A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?” The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. “Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaims the brother. “And why not?” asks Stan. “Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?” Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.” Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, “You’re sure you want a nephew?” “Yes,” the brother replies. “It would be an honor.” “Well, congratulations, you’re holding him.”

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, “I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis.” Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?” The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.” The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?” The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”

A man goes to see a wizard and says, “Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?” “Maybe,” says the wizard, “Can remember the exact words of the curse?” The man replies, “I pronounce you man and wife.”

Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. “What are you doing!” asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, “My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor.” [to attract her]

Lady 1: “Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?”
Lady 2: “I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not.”