What can a goose do that a duck can’t, but a lawyer should? Shove its bill up its ass!

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now !
Employee: How?
Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left

What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual stripper? About two weeks.

A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry madam, but I’ll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.” The mother exclaimed, “A $100! You said it was only $20!” “Yes,” replied the dentist, “but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.”

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Why is christmas just like the day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Guy calls in to his Boss:
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my ass working today.

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!