Q: How do you get a blond on the roof?
A: You tell her the food is on the house.

Q: Why can’t you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it will crack up.

If tomatoes are a fruit, isn’t ketchup a smoothie?

Q. What do you call a fake noodle?
A. An Impasta!

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, “Can I have a cigarette?” The bartender replies, “Sure, the cigarette machine is over there.” So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, “Oi, you bloody idiot.” The man says with surprise in his voice, “That’s not very nice.” He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, “Ooh, I like your hair.” The man says to the bartender, “Hey, what’s going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why’s this?” The bartender replies, “Oh, that’s because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary.”

Q: Why did the tofu cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn’t chicken.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, “How’s it going down there?” And the other one replies, “I’m having a ball!”

Q: How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?
A: Turn off the light.

Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.