Q: What do you call a sad coffee?
A: Depresso.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food!” The panda yells back, “Hey man, I’m a panda. Look it up!” The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, “A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”

You’ve got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice.

Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don’t like fast food.

An Italian mother says, “If you don’t eat all the food on this plate, I’ll kill you.” A Jewish mother says, “If you don’t eat all the food on this plate, I’ll kill myself.”

Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

Yo mama so fat the bears have to hide their food from her when she goes camping.