What do you have to do when your mother-in-law taps the window? Turn the furnace a little higher.

He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her, for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.

Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

My wife is such a bad cook, the flies chipped in to fix the screens. – Rodney Dangerfield

Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.

How do you turn a fox into a pig? You marry her.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!

What is the difference between your wife and your lover? 30 minutes.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.