Mother: “Sweetie, make a Christmas wish.”
Girl: “I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa’s computer.”

Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, “Go back to work!”

Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, “Mommy, what does bastard mean?” She answers, “Um, it means boy.” Then he asks, “Daddy, what does bitch mean?” He says, “Uh, it means girl.” Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, “Sh*t.” The son asks, “What does that mean?” The dad says, “It means shaving cream.” Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, “F*ck.” The son asks her what that word means and she says, “It means carving.” That evening, the family’s guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, “Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey.”

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.'” Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!”

Q: Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.

20 years I’ve been eating outta cereal boxes, and you gotta give it to em’. They stayed firm and refused to move with the times. I mean they know the resealable ziplock bag exists, but they’ve never backed down. No matter how many times the fold-in top rips or the plastic bag tears on the wrong edge, they say “No innovation, we say no!”

Question : Why do pirates only have 1 eye?
Answer: Because in the word pirate there is only one i

Q: why did the skeleton refuse to got to the prom
A: because he had noBODY to dance with