Q: Why did the ink pots cry?
A: Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.

Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Vincent: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Vincent: “You don’t know my father.”

Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?

A: He was sitting on the deck.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in September,” the friend continued, “my father died, leaving me $90,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

Little Johnny came in from the backyard sobbing. His mother asked “What’s the matter?” “Dad was fixing the fence and hit his thumb with the hammer,” he said through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” his mother said, “and a big boy like you shouldn’t cry about that. Why didn’t you just laugh?” “I did!” cried Johnny.

An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, “What’s happening? Can I help?” The fire chief says, “There’s a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?” The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, “Go ahead, I’m ready!” He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, “TOUCHDOWN!”

What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Q: What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.

“Mom, does God go to the bathroom?” a son asked. The mom replied, “No son, why?” The son said, “Well every morning Dad goes to the bathroom and pounds on the door and shouts, ‘Oh God! Are you still in there?!?!’ “

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, “So how has life been treating you?” The old man replies, “The Lord’s been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I’m finished, he turns the light off.” While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, “Damn it! The old fart’s been pissing in the ice box again!”