My girlfriend wanted us to get a Sleep Number bed, so we went and checked it out. Turns out her sleep number is 61, and mine is $3500!

Wife: Had your Lunch??
Husband: Had your Lunch??
Wife: I am asking you??
Husband: I am asking you??
Wife: You Copying me??
Husband: You Copying me??
Wife: Lets go Shopping.
Husband: I had my Lunch.

The other night I went out on a blind date. Well it didn’t start out that way, she had mace.

John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca. He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?” To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.” “Really?” he asked excitedly. “Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'” John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”

When you are married, nobody asks about your sex life. They know that you don’t have one!

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. “Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.” The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

John and Bob were discussing their married lives. Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. John said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.” “Wow!” said Bob, “how did you manage that?” “It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

Hey girl, come feel my sweater. Wanna know what its made of? Boyfriend material.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married but then it was too late.