Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Q: What worse than finding out your ex-wife got cancer?

A: Finding out it’s curable.

Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!

There’s a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles. The man finally stops and the officer tells him, “When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!” The man says, “Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving.” The officer says, “I’ve heard every excuse in the book, but if it’s one I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.” The man says, “Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.” So the officer let him go.

Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
A: They’re worth it.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Someone asked me, “Now that you are retired, do you still have a job?” I replied, “Yes I am my wife’s sexual adviser.” Somewhat shocked, they said, “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?” “Very simple,” I answered, “My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she’ll ask me for it.”

My girlfriend told me if I join one more comedy group on the Internet, she’s going to leave me. I’m really going to miss her.

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

A chicken and an egg are having sex. The chicken rolls off the egg and says, “I guess that answers that question.”