A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.” The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw. The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?” The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said, “Nope. You are! I’m gonna burn down the barn!”

A man found a genie in a magic lamp and was granted three wishes. The genie said, “For every wish you make, your wife gets two.” The man asked for a car and the genie gave his wife two. Then the man asked for a house and again his wife got double. The jealous husband said, “For my last wish, beat me half to death.”

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

A man is standing at a grave, staring at the head stone. A second man walks up and asks, “Is this someone you knew?” The first guy says, “Yes, it was my wife.” The second guy says, “It must be hard to lose a wife.” The first guys replies, “Yep, damn near impossible.”

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, “I should tell you I have acute angina.” The old man says, “I hope so. You sure don’t have cute tits.”

A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life. The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, “Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?” The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, “Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!”

Boy: if you are smiling send me your smiles
– if you are sleeping send me your dreams
– if you are crying send me your tears
I LOVE YOU!

Girl: I am in the toilet what do i send?

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.