Q: Did you hear about the new “divorced” Barbie doll in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.

A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, “Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now.” The husband replied, “You have really good eye sight!”

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

The five most important qualities in a woman: one who is independent and helps around the house, one who can make you laugh, one who you can trust, one who is good in bed, and most importantly, one who should make sure these four women never meet.

Girlfriend: Darling, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?
Boyfriend: Sure, what is your number?

A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!

A lady noticed her friend was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger so she asked, “Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” Her friend replied, “Because I married the wrong man!”

During a bank robbery, the thief’s mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, “Did you see my face?” The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, “No, but my wife did.”

A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police. “Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer. “No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband. “Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.” The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?” “No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband. Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.” The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?” The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”