A young man looking to get married asked his friend. “Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like.” “Oh, that’s easy,” his pal replied, “All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother.” “I did that already,” he said, “and that one my father didn’t like.”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!

A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, “I love you.” The woman says, “Is that you talking or the beer talking?” The man says, “That’s me talking to the beer!”

There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says, “This is the first time that I know where my husband is going.”

My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I’m all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church.

Peter sat at his dying wife’s bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. “Pete darling,” she breathed, “I’ve a confession to make before I go… I… I’m the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government.” “Don’t give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?” answered Peter.

I’ve spent the last two years looking for my wife’s killer, but nobody will do it.

What do marriage and a tornado have in common? In the beginning there’s a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end someone loses a house.

Boyfriend: “ILY.”
Girlfriend: “Can you please say the words? It makes it better.”
Boyfriend: “I’m leaving you.”

Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
Woman- Take half and leave!
Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here’s 10, now get out!